The Kidsafe Adventures of Frederic ValMarch
by LesMisLoony
Summary: Want to know what Les Mis would be like if it was squeaky clean and Valjean was extremely attractive? Well, look no further than the 1935 movie starring Frederic March! All three Phases of the Life of Jean Valjean are up, and keep an eye on youtube...
1. The First Phase in the Life of JVJ

Cast of Characters:

Valjean……………The Strangely Sexy Frederic March

Javert……………...A Snowman

Fantine……………Daphne Moon

Young Cosette…...A Creepily Precocious Yet Spunky Child in the Style of Shirley Temple

Cosette……………A Barbie Doll

Marjolras………...A Puppy-Like Dreamer and the Stalwart, Marbled Leader of the Revolution ALL AT THE SAME TIME

Éponine……………A Saloon Girl from an Old Western Flick

Faverolles, 1800.

We open with that Hauteville House quote, which is promising… and immediately cut to a courtroom, where some old Methuselah type is sentencing someone to prison. That someone is surprisingly handsome young Valjean, who is in a giant cage or something.

The judge guy says he has to Follow the Law, and Jean Jean the Sexy Con makes a big speech which hilariously includes the line "You can't let _babies_ starve!!" before he is dragged away, screaming, "HUNGRY! HUNGRY!" His sister and her three children run up to the giant cage and yell after him and cry and it is Very Touching and Very Sad.

Then, the judge says Very Seriously, "Remove the evidence." And the camera pulls in Very Dramatically on a scrap of bread, which the constable-y guys grab as we fade to black.

So… I guess the French courts work pretty quickly… and Valjean got arrested super fast… because otherwise that bread would be covered in white fuzz like the delicious cookies I accidentally left in my dorm over Christmas break… Man, I wanted those cookies REALLY BAD. My granny made them for me… but now they live in the trash. They were chocolate oatmeal cookies.

I miss them.

Anyway.

We fade to black, and open back up on a man sitting at a desk. He's, like, interviewing a huge line of guys wearing that National Guard type uniform, and next is this very, very round fellow—that is, with a circular face and a circular body—who is reminiscent of either a snowman or John Candy… anyway, he is introduced as Javert, whose mother was a "tramp" and his father was a prisoner. And when the Important Desk Man asks him if it's true, Javert's fat lower lip starts trembling. So… he's squishy looking and emotional? And practically bald? With long eyelashes? Anyway, Javert gets Permission to be a Super Special Policeman.

A shadowy room. Very sad-looking Jean Jean the Sexy Con is given a number—2908, whatever—and has a big iron collar hammered onto his neck. Yeesh.

The hull of a ship, I assume. A bunch of bearded, shaggy convicts are rowing while a big scary guy beats a gong. One of them is Jean Jean the Sexy Con, who looks very sleepy. In fact, he slumps over and almost passes out until a bunch of cops come over and start beating him with sticks. Then he screams incoherently.

Later. Some stuff falls on a guy and he screams incoherently. Screaming incoherently is a symbol of the Evils of Prison, I guess, because it sure happens a lot. Anyway, Jean Jean the Sexy Con comes running over and lifts the stuff while Wibbly Javert looks on. Some other constables say that they have to take The Hurt Guy's collar off to treat him for some reason, but Snowman Javert exhibits his heart of ice by saying that only a doctor can order a guy's collar taken off, and there isn't any doctor here, thanks very much. He's all like, "NO WE MUST FOLLOW THE LAW BECAUSE I LOVE IT A LOT." Meanwhile, the lunch cart totally passed Jean Jean the Sexy Con while he was saving The Hurt Guy. Jean Jean the Sexy Con is like, "WHAT? You accidentally skipped me, guys!" and they're like, "You snooze you lose, biotch." But Jean Jean the Sexy Con is like, "I wasn't snoozing, I was SAVING A MAN'S LIFE!" and then, while he's arguing with the guard, some crazy convict steals the piece of bread off his plate. Jean Jean the Sexy Con is Not Amused, and he jumps up and attacks the Crazy Con, who starts shrieking and flapping his wrists around in what may be the funniest reaction to anything I've ever seen in my life. Then a bunch of guards run over, hang Jean Jean the Sexy Con by the wrists, and start viciously beating him the sticks. How very violent! Except the sticks look like they're made of cardboard and they're using absolutely no force to hit him. Pansy Javert looks on for a second, then wanders off.

Same galleys, even later. The convicts go to sleep. I guess.

Some kind of parole office. A pastor guy preaches at a row of convicts who are apparently up for parole. They call Valjean's name, and tell him he's free as soon as he goes to check in at Some French Place in Some French Town. They hand him his passport, and Jean Jean the Very Bearded Con gripes that it's yellow. Chubby Parole Officer is like, "Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to escape three years ago!" Then they go to pay him, but Jean Jean the Hairy Con says he's supposed to pay him more. They're like, "Well, you should have thought of that before you… existed on Sundays and holidays!" The priest nags him and then out he goes.

An inn. They don't want Valjean, so yeah. He goes out.

A bench. In the rain. Valjean is sitting with his coat over his head, sulking, when Madame R— from the Book comes in and asks who he is. He makes a crazy speech about prison and beds of wood and stone, and Madame R— just tells him to go knock on the bishop's door, okay?

Behind the bishop's door. Madame Magloire nags Mademoiselle Baptistine about locking the door, and Baptistine just kinda ignores her. They include the second-best part of the bishop story: Magloire is like, "People knock and he just says come in!" Then there is a knock at the door, and you hear the bishop just say, "Come in!" Hilarity.

So yeah, it's Jean Jean the Bearded Con, and he wants a room. He blah blahs about how much being a convict sucks and how miserable he is and WAAAH, but the bishop's just like, "Chillax, man, you can have a room! Warm up at the fire; eat some food!"

Quick word about the bishop. This guy looks like the villain Claude Frollo from the Disney version of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," and he almost never has facial expression. He's not, like, a bad actor or anything, but he's just totally dry. I bet he'd be a great standup comedian.

Anyway, it's dinner, and the bishop demands they use the silver plates… by putting them _beneath_ the plates they're already using.

Huh?

Then the bishop shows Jean Jean the Well-Fed Con to a spare room, and while they're standing in the hall he spies Madame Magloire putting the plates away. Magloire notices Jean and hustles over to shut the door. Jean comments that she's afraid of him, then gets all up in the deadpan bishop's face. And the Best Thing Ever happens.

Valjean: How do you know I won't murder you in the night?

Prim, Straight-Faced Bishop: Well, how do you know that I won't murder you?

Loony: (has to pause the movie from laughing so hard)

You guys, you don't even know. You just… you have GOT to see the way this bishop delivers this line. It's insane it's so funny.

Anyhoo, Jean Jean the Sleepy Con goes into his room, has a prison flashback that includes a LOT of images of guards beating him with sticks and a lot of screaming incoherently layered over a shot of him lying in bed and waving his arms around. He screams incoherently, reaches out, and grabs a candlestick near his bed.

And then… Jean Jean the Devious Con gets an idea.

He pulls a stick out of his little bag and sets off toward the bishop's room.

Huh?

So… he stole one of the prison guards' beat-down sticks, and will now use it on the poor old deadpan bishop?

But as he gazes at the bishop's face, a pretty sweet lighting effect (for 1935) happens as the moon comes out from behind the clouds and illuminates the sleeping bishop. Valjean decides to steal the silver instead.

The Bishop's Morning House of Mourning. Madame Magloire is distraught that the silver plates have disappeared, and argues with the bishop about how nasty tin plates are. Then the constables bring in Jean Jean the Recaptured Con, and OH MY GOSH, THIS BISHOP'S STRAIGHT FACE IS MY FAVOURITE THING. Ever. I think I'm just going to put every scene with him in on youtube. Anyway, the bishop, calmly sipping tea, saves Valjean's soul and gives him candlesticks.

The Countryside. Valjean goes out to some little shrine to a saint that may or may not be the Virgin Mary, falls to his knees, holds the candlesticks, and cries while a really, really creepy choir sings Ave Maria. He kisses the saint's feet, and then… then… the most amazing thing I have ever seen happens. Other than the bishop.

He walks off dramatically, and a giant title card with a picture of a man walking into the sunset appears with the text: Thus ended the first phase of the life of Jean Valjean. Meanwhile, the Creepy Choir "ahhh"s into a humongous crescendo and all is Very Dramatic. Except that this title card can _only_ make me think of Holy Grail.

And because I choose to make this a chapter fic, Thus Ends The First Phase of the Recap of LesMisLoony.

Tune in next time for the entire story being out of order, a tea party, and Valjean becoming INSANELY sexy!


	2. The Second Phase in the Life of JVJ

A/N- Yay, review love! I'm lesmisloony on youtube, and I've put up the bishop scenes. A few very clever people have already found it. Next up? Highlights from John Candy Javert... I technically have the capability to put the whole movie up, as the whole thing has already been transferred to my computer due to a crappy DVD ripping program, but I'm afraid of the lawrr. If you really need to see the movie--and I sure wouldn't blame ya--eBay is buried under copies of it in a box set with the 1952 film (NOT the Gabin one) which I may or may not recap at a later date... Anyway, we continue.

Montreuil, Presumably. Monsieur Madeleine, manufacturer of glass objects, is sitting behind a desk and looking VERY GOOD. Madame Victurnien comes in and mentions Fantine, and Madeleine tells her to bugger off. Then some guys come in and ask him to be mayor. Madeleine says one of _them_ should be mayor, and the short guy's like, "Yeah, I guess I _could_ be mayor again…" and the other guy goes "**NO**." Heh. Then they run into the factory and say, "Hey, want Madeleine to be mayor?" And all the people clap but Fantine, who is currently being fired.

You guys. You know Daphne from Frasier? Yeah? This woman looks exactly, _exactly_ like her. It's eerie. She's pretty cute, though her eyebrows are kind of unnatural. She has little blonde Blanche Ingram curls as well. Other than that, it's _totally_ Daphne's great-great grandmother. Or something.

The Streets. People are cheering for Madeleine.

A Room. Madeleine wanders over to the fireplace and grabs onto the giant candlesticks resting there. "We've come a long way, haven't we?" he asks them. The candlesticks are like, "Well, when you think about it, we've actually gone _down_ on the food chain… I mean, mayor's good, but Jesus loves bishops the best…"

Anyway, there is an ominous approach of footsteps, and then…Squiffly Javert enters, eyes full of tears! Well, I mean… they aren't really… but I'm sure they have been quite recently. He's also wearing the exact outfit he was wearing in Toulon. Anyhoo, he wants to introduce himself, and Madeleine is, like, gripping one of the candlesticks for dear life. Then Javert starts yammering about the law, and how much he lurves it, and kind of freaks out when Madeleine asks if he ever tempers justice with mercy. He leaves. Madeleine is dashingly handsome.

Javert's Office. Fantine is being scolded and, despite the fact that she's wearing a low-cut dress, it seems the reason she's there is because she's trying to get Javert to help her get Cosette back from the Thénardiers, who won't give her up. Javert's like, "LOL no," because he loves The Law a lot. Fantine is displeased and starts to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old.

A Nearby Room. Madeleine sends a buttload of money to some convent somewhere. And is wearing a really cute jacket. Man he's hot. Fantine comes running in, tells him he's a big meanie, and spits on him. Javert makes a really pathetic attempt to restrain her, but… I think she could take him. I think my cocker spaniel puppy could take him. So yeah, Madeleine puts his hand on his hips, showing off his adorable tailored waistcoat, and then scoops Fantine up and carries her to safety, yelling, "Screw the law! I gots a woman to save!"

Javert stares after him for a minute, then goes, "So, M'sieur Madeleine has no respect for The Law…" and starts asking the constables all these snoopy questions about Madeleine. Methinks the mayor is going down. NOBODY DISRESPECTS THE LAW!

A Sickbed. Fantine is sick and wants her daughter. Also, she's very sorry, M'sieur Madeleine.

Some Woods. Madeleine's carriage comes across a cart that is squooshing a guy in the mud. Various people, including Snowman Javert, are trying to lift him out and epically failing. Madeleine takes off his amazing coat (handsome!) and crawls under into the mud, lifting the cart and all-around pwning. After the man has been successfully saved, Javert gazes at him and mumbles about how sexy and talented he is for a while. Madeleine then puts on the handsome coat over his handsome clothes, which are still covered in not-so-handsome mud, and puts on a flipping amazing top hat. He ignores Javert's blah blahs about a convict in Toulon who could do that (lift the cart, not look sexy), and Javert tries to act for a long time. You guys, really... there's this close-up of Javert's face, and he's gazing over his shoulder after Madeleine with a completely blank expression, and then he narrows his eyes like he's looking into the sun... It's almost pathetic... No, wait, it's past pathetic... It's in my Javert mashup for youtube, don't worry.

An Office. Javert sends two men with inquiries about Madeleine and tries to look evil.

The Brave Sergeant Inn? Raucous people raucously demand a drink while a girl with messy hair washes dishes and looks tired, melodramatically wiping the back of her hand across her forehead. Enter Madeleine, who is unbelievably good-looking, and pays a pretty good Madame Thénardier for a room and food. She sends little Cosette out to water his horse.

Next to the Horse. Valjean helps little Cosette water the horse, and is miffed when she doesn't know how old she is. Damn, he's dapper! Like… guys. Just watch this movie, okay? He's is REALLY GOOD LOOKING. I HAVE NEVER LOVED A VALJEAN THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE, AND I JUST SAW JOHN OWEN-JONES TWICE. AND MET HIM AT THE STAGEDOOR. AND DISCUSSED WHEAT ALLERGIES WITH HIM AND HIS ADORABLE BRITISH ACCENT.

Anyway. Madeleine is all impressed by little Cosette's gumption and stuff, and he asks what happened to her parents. Because this is the thirties where Nothing Bad can happen, Cosette explains that her daddy went home to Jesus and her mommy, who apparently comes to visit her a lot, is working in another town but did not abandon her with strangers in any way.

Why is poor pathetic beaten abused Cosette so chubby?

Um, then Madame yells for her to go get some water, except all she has to do is pump it from a well that is located directly to her left. Cosette, pumping a giant pump-y thing (and being half-assed-ly aided by Valjean), is all, "Oh please, _please_ let's hurry! She'll _beat_ me!" And Madeleine says, "We'll see about that," in this intense voice… Have I mentioned that Frederic March as Valjean is sex?

A Road. Madeleine's carriage, led by a white horse (of course) rushes back to Montreuil-sur-Mer with Cosette cuddled up inside.

Huh?

Has anyone else noticed that this story is a little out of order? Yes? Okay, good. Then let's continue.

A Sickbed. Fantine is holding Cosette and crying with happiness while Madeleine stoops over them all caringly.

Another Room. Madeleine and Cosette have a tea party. It's like, totally wrong and really adorable at the same time, you know? Cos Cosette is gazing at Madeleine the same way I am… Then Cosette starts to cry because she's happy, I guess. And Madeleine rushes to her side. I AM IN LOVE.

Yet Another Room. Madeleine beats Cosette at checkers. Dude, she's a little girl! You're supposed to let those win!

Whatevs, he's still hot.

Javert arrives and demands he be released while Madeleine's housekeeper… Toussaint… finishes the game of checkers with Cosette. Even though she just said that Madeleine won… Anyhoodle, Madeleine won't fire Javert even though it is The Law that he does so and Javert probably, like, starts to cry or something. I don't know; this John Candy Javert is neither funny nor entertaining. And he's so bland and white that he offends me. What a crappy Javert. Thank goodness Madeleine is a hottie. Speaking of which, Javert tells Madeleine The Saga of Champmathieu. OH MY GOSH. I JUST REALISED I'VE BEEN SPELLING IT "CHAPMATHIEU" FOR AN UNDETERMINED AMOUNT OF TIME. This is as bad as when I realised I was spelling Musichetta "Muchisetta" and Tholomyès as "Thomolyès"! Not to mention "Faunchelevant…" Am I, like, LM dyslexic or something?

Anyway, Madeleine, who is TOTALLY VALJEAN SPOILER ALERT needs to go to Arras and denounce himself and stuff. But he hears Cosette laughing maniacally in the next room and decides he's NOT GOING. Instead he throws all his old convict stuff in the fire and says that Jean Valjean Is Dead. Dead. Dead. But he sees the candlesticks and is like, "Whoops! NVM. See you cats later!"

Arras. Oh. My. Gosh. Just in case I wasn't already attracted enough to Frederic March, now he's wearing a big swirly cape _and_ that incredible top hat. So yeah, he goes into the court, wrestles with his morals, and then finally reveals himself to everyone. But first, I must say that Frederic March is also a beast at playing a mentally touched person (cos he's playing Champmathieu as well, see…)

Also? There is a guest appearance from the Crazy Con! Remember the wrist-flapper from earlier? HE'S BACK! And still kinda nuts. When Madeleine goes to shake his hand, he kinda giggles nervously like a fangirl at the stagedoor. Aw.

Montreuil-sur-Mer. Valjean goes into Cosette's room, kisses her on the forehead, and tells her he's going away. Cosette wants to come along (who wouldn't?) and he tells her she'll never have to go to the inn. Then she goes to sleep, wishing with all her might that nothing will every change between them all.

Fantine's Sickbed. Valjean tries to give Fantine money, but Javert enters screaming that he's going to arrest the Not A Mayor but a Convict and Galley Slave. Then Javert tries to take the money Valjean was giving to Fantine because it is The Law and also Cosette is going back to the inn and stuff. Whoops, there goes Fantine. "You did it. You're very _presence_ killed her, Javert!" Whoa! Jean Jean the Amazing Con grabs Javert by the neck and throws him across the room!

Another Room. Valjean packs money, his candlesticks, and Cosette. They escape while a bunch of constables beat on the front door with sticks. LOL stick-beating has returned.

Old-School Carriage Chase in Fast-Motion. …I actually think that's all I need say. Valjean and Cosette jump out of their carriage and into the woods, which baffles Javert, who more or less gives up the chase.

A Room In Paris. Valjean hides from the landlady under the covers while Cosette chases her off. They have a scene in bed that, in any other LM movie, I would have gotten all mind-in-the-gutter about. But this movie is so squeaky-clean that it's really just adorable. Then, Valjean is hit with inspiration and writes a letter from Madeleine to the convent he sent money to like, an hour ago.

Convent. The letter asks that the convent schools Cosette and takes this here stranger in as a gardener, and the convent people say they definitely will because Madeleine is great and gives them money. Cosette cries when they take her away from Valjean, even though she'll be able to see him during recess and stuff. For a kid who was  
"abused" throughout most of her childhood, she sure cries and whines a lot.

Oh, whoops!

THUS ENDED THE SECOND PHASE IN THE LIFE OF JEAN VALJEAN.

That one kinda snuck up on me...

Tune in next time for... uhhh... oh! Saloon girl Eponine and Marjolras in his first role before 1998! As far as I know...


	3. The Third Phase in the Life of JVJ

A/N- Okay, so here is the Third and Final Phase of the Life of Jean Valjean. Presumably. When I bought this '35 movie, it came on a double-sided DVD with a '52 movie on the back. Said '52 movie is actually a remake of this one, so if I tried to recap it a lot would be the same... but it _does _feature an extremely old Marius and more squicky Valjean/Cosette relationships... so I might. Maybe. Ish. Anyway. I have a couple more youtube mashups that need to be put online for this movie, whatever else happens.

* * *

Convent. Valjean gardens with another unnamed old guy… let's just call him Fauchelevant for kicks… and they watch the procession of womenfolk go by. Valjean tells "Fauchelevant" that he's taking Cosette away soon, and he goes up and makes eye contact with her as she passes.

Cosette inherited her mother's over-tweezed eyebrows! And managed to do so in a convent. Other than that she's quite pretty, with perfect little ringlets and stuff, but I still like the 2000 miniseries Cosette better.

Another Part of the Convent. Valjean gives a nun a bunch of money, pretends it's from Madeleine, and collects Cosette. The nun says she's beautiful, and then they vamoose.

Right In Front of the Convent. Valjean is telling Cosette about how great life will be, and then the two of them almost get run over by a herd of convicts on their way to the galley. Cosette asks what they are, Valjean tells her, and they both look very thoughtful.

A House. Cosette and Valjean are getting dolled up for some outing or something, and Cosette tells Valjean he's a boulevard dandy. He's got sideburns that slightly detract from the Madeleine hotness, but he's still darn good-looking. Cute dialogue:

Valjean: Has anyone ever told you that you're very beautiful?

Cosette: No, but I hope it's true. (big dazzling grin) Many people have told me that I have a very handsome escort.

Aww... And let's just pretend that that doesn't evoke memories of the monstrous Valjean/Cosette relationship from the 2000 miniseries... _(beats head against desk to chase away the horrible, horrible memories)_ Actually... to be perfectly honest, it doesn't really... due to the aforementioned squeaky-cleanliness. Whew.

A Park. Cosette and Valjean are riding along, and Valjean says he wants to go on like this forever. At that, Cosette spies Marius Enjolras de Chagny speechifying about how oppressed convicts are, and she is awestruck. Finishing up the speech, Marius Enjolras comes over and starts harassing Valjean and Cosette, passing them pamphlets and assuring them that they aren't revolutionaries (they aren't?) and all they want is to give convicts a chance to reenter the world as honest men. Now, isn't that convenient? His hat is lulz-worthy, but I can't describe it, so you're just gonna have to watch the movie… Okay, okay, it's an Indiana Jones hat.

While he's talking, a girl who looks almost exactly like Cosette but for bigger eyes and hair arranged differently comes up behind him. Marius pretty much ignores her. Big Sad Eyes puts her hand on his arm, snatches the pamphlets out of his hands, and wanders away a few feet to stare at him from further off… guess we know what _that _means… Marius never stops talking about his cause and trying to solicit a donation from Valjean and Cosette. Then some soldiers, wearing the same National Guard uniform that every representative of the law since the beginning of the movie has worn, come galloping in on horses and break up the crowd. Tragically, there is no stick-beating involved. Marius takes off, and Cosette calls after him, "Run away! You'll be hurt!" Aw...? I guess?

Chez Valjean's New Sideburns and Little Mustache. He is sending Marius Enjolras a donation, much to Cosette's approval.

Marius Enjolras's Headquarters. Cosette arrives with the money, knocks on a door, and is greeted by Big Sad Eyes, who is wearing a little shawl and looks exactly like one of those women who hang out in saloons in those old-time Western flicks. And actually, The Headquarters bear more than a passing resemblance to the saloon in which she belongs.

Anyway, Big Sad Eyes, who we might as well just start calling Éponine, leads Cosette to Marius Enjolras's Office and waits at the door. After Cosette goes in, a bunch of Rowdy Anonymous Students start to laugh at Éponine. I guess… because of her oh-so-tragic unrequited love? Or something? Éponine is indignant. The Rowdy Anonymous Students whistle.

Marius Enjolras's Office. Cosette and Marius Enjolras flirt. And then she leaves. Marius Enjolras holds the door for her and lets her out. Éponine bullies him and tries to ask him out to dinner, but Marius Enjolras is too busy. He leaves. A Rowdy Anonymous Student laughs at her, and she says oh-so-angrily, "If that thing on your face is a smile, take it off and get on with your work!" BURN.

Love Montage. (You guys, the first time I went to type "montage" I ended up typing "Montparnasse." I think this tells a lot about me.) Anyway, in three really short scenes, you see Cosette, her various parasols, and Marius go from formal titles to first names to "darling," but she doesn't want him to tell her father about their love because she wants to tell him herself. And then Marius says this: "Well, he'll probably want to know everything about me. Who I am, who my parents were, and where I come from. So even though you haven't asked me yourself, I might as well tell you the gloomy details and get the whole thing over with. I am twenty-two years old, I have dark hair, I'm a little under six feet, my eyes are brown, and my irresistible virtue is that I love you very much." Cosette giggles. D'you see how perky this whole thing is? It's like… I need me some Jean Jean the Sexy Con to settle my stomach.

Then, we see they are being spied upon by… Javert! Oh, John Candy look-alike! Do you ever cease to disgust me? He and some other cop guys decide to follow Marius and Cosette around. They also mention that Marius has a girl who calls himself his secretary and makes trips to Montmartre. Guess who that is? No, really. Guess. A guy in a top hat tells Javert to stalk Cosette home, and he does so by strolling along three feet behind her. Way to go.

Chez Valjean. A guy is trying to sell them some dogs, and Cosette and Jean Jean the Dapper Con banter about which one they should buy and stuff. I'm pretty sure we're about four seconds away from some of Cosette's Little Animal Friends sweeping in and tidying up the house for her, but THEN! Valjean sees Javert wandering by, grabs Cosette, and makes a run for it, leaving a very confused Dog Peddler in their yard. Once in the house, Cosette says, "Are you sure? Did he recognise you?" WHICH MEANS. She knows all about Javert and Valjean's past life as a sexy con! Because lying to your daughter is not kid-safe.

Chez Valjean, later. Marius comes to call, but no one answers the door. Javert pops up and asks what he wants, then tells him they've moved and left him no message. I have included this entire scene in the Javert mashup for youtube, because Snowman Javert has the EXACT. SAME. INTONATION for every line he delivers in this dialogue. Just go watch it, okay? It's... atarded.

Marius Enjolras's Headquarters. A Rowdy Anonymous Student makes a speech about how they're going to revolution and stuff while Marius and Éponine sulk at a table. Presumably Marius is sulking over Cosette's disappearance and his secretary is sulking because, despite the fact that she and Cosette are almost identical, Marius prefers the other girl. Whatevs. More people speechify.

Another Chez Valjean. Some old guy has fetched them a coach. The doorbell rings again, and an old woman comes in saying she couldn't deliver some letter to Marius because there were cops everywhere. Then she adds that she gave the letter to his secretary Éponine. You guys… secretary. I don't… I can't even...

Ahem. Valjean opens a window and sees a bunch of cops beating people with sticks in the streets. This is the funniest movie I have ever seen. Then he tells Cosette they're going to England, so Cosette tells him all about her romance with Marius Enjolras. At first, Jean is all angry that she never told him before, saying, "Me. Me! Have you nothing… for me?" And Cosette says she loves him, but not like _that_, and that she's going to marry Marius. Jean Jean the Heart-Broken Con sulks and stares at his candlesticks for a second while Cosette reminds him that she never wanted to hurt him. Blahdeblah, let's get these two some cheese with their whine. He hears someone ringing at the front door, and he goes to see who it is.

Front Door. It's Éponine the Old West Secretary, who says she has a message for Cosette from Marius. Her dress is really, really low-cut. Then she starts laughing maniacally and says, "Yes, yes, _I_ have to bring messages of his undying affection to another woman! I, who _love_ him! Funny! Isn't it?" And then she keeps laughing and freaks Valjean out a lot. She tells him where Marius is and how he's going to die… then she starts crying. And drinks some brandy. Her eyebrows are really creepy and straight and thin. And possibly drawn on with Sharpie.

Then Éponine asks Valjean if she wants to save Marius, and Valjean is like, "Why should I?" and Éponine says she knows how he feels. Then she says, "What are we going to do about this, you and I? You don't want to give her up, and I—" but Valjean pops his head up and goes, "GIVE. _GIVE."_ You see, I may have forgotten to mention this, but the awesome deadpan bishop from The First Phase of the Life of Jean Valjean said "give" about nine hundred times while he was saving Valjean's soul. So Valjean decides he's going to GIVE Cosette to Marius or whatevs.

Éponine kind of looks like Little Red Riding Hood. She says she'll show Valjean how to get to where Marius is, but she doubts they'll be able to get back out. Then Valjean skips over and tells Cosette that they've found Marius and are off to fetch him. Yes, they should definitely be even more honest with each other, don't you think? And off they go.

Outside. Javert is still lurking at the corner, and he sees the two of them and thinks it's Valjean and Cosette, I guess… so cue an old-school chase through the streets of Paris. They cut through a ruined café and come out at the barricades, Javert hot on their trail. However, the students ask who he is (Javert proudly announces that he's a POLICE) and they all attack him and get ready to hang him.

Hang him?

But Valjean steps in, tells everyone around him that Javert has persecuted him for years, and offers to off him "the way they do it in the galleys."

Dramatic Valjean and Javert Face-Off. Valjean makes fun of the law, starts to shoot Javert, and then Reflects. For a long time. He pulls out a knife, cuts the bonds, and let's Javert go, which Javert finds very upsetting. In fact… he bursts into tears. Aw! Poor Wibbly Javert. He then says, "I'll take you in the end!" which made me go "...?"

Éponine climbs up the barricade to tell Marius Enjolras she found Cosette, which makes Marius happy, but then she jumps in front of a gun and dies. Bloodlessly. Whoops.

Some cops ride their horses right over the barricade, which proves what a lame barricade they had in the first place, and lots of people are being beaten with sticks in the background. I think if I made a montage of all the scenes of people being beaten with sticks in this movie it would be too long for youtube.

Valjean sees Marius, collapsed under dead Éponine, and drags him off into the sewers. Javert wanders around and would probably have a crazy look in his eye if he could act.

The Sewers. Are Yucky. Valjean carries Marius around, pursued by Javert. He stops for a second to bind Marius's wound… next to a human skull… and then continues. The movie remembers to include the scene where Valjean gets into it up to the face, and this set and lighting is actually really cool. Snowman Javert is too skeered to follow him, so he turns back.

Chez Valjean. Our hero enters with unconscious Marius, and he takes him to Cosette. Valjean assures her he will be fine, then goes out into the foyer.

Valjean's Foyer. This scene is pretty hilarious. Valjean stands in the middle of the room and murmurs, "Javert. Javert. You're here. I know it. Where are you? _Where are you?_" And then he turns to see… Javert. Just, like, standing there. Creepy. He then asks a few moments to say goodbye.

Javert: The Law allows you none.

Loony: Why didn't he say goodbye a second ago? Y'know, when he was, like, _in the room with Cosette telling her all about saving Marius from the barricades?_

Anyway, Valjean lifts his hands Very Dramatically for Javert to cuff, and then Javert says this:

"Here, see, it isn't me. It has nothing to do with me. It's The Law that wants you. It's The Law…" and then he tells Valjean to go ahead and say bye.

So… Javert just admitted that he wants Valjean? Heh. But then again, so do I.

In the next room, Marius thanks Valjean for bringing him there. Then Valjean tells Cosette he's off to England. So… _now_ he's gonna start lying to her? Anyway, he promises to write her all the time, and tells her to come visit him sometime with Marius. Then he says he won't be alone cos Cosette will be in his heart and stuff. Aw.

Cosette cries. Valjean says they must love each other, then tells them to keep The Candlesticks for ever and ever because they are a symbol of something or other. Also, life is to give, not to take. He clutches at the candlesticks for the last time, then heads out.

BUT JAVERT IS NOT THERE.

Meanwhile, Javert is playing with his handcuffs. Heh. He suddenly looks up, and his lower lip starts quivering. What a stupid Javert.

Valjean says he is ready to GIVE himself to The Law or whatevs, and then he finds Javert's handcuffs lying on his front porch. He hears a commotion and takes off running.

The Creepy Choir starts up singing Ave Maria again, and Javert's feet step up onto a railing.

Valjean and some other people arrive at the river in time to see Javert's stick floating away.

HA!

Then surprisingly perky music plays as the credits roll.

Wait, what? So… I guess that means Valjean went back to Marius and Cosette and was like, "Remember my speech about leaving you? Well, j/k, I'm back!" …or something. Or maybe he really went to England. But why would he do that?

This is all very confusing. But at least Frederic March is hot.

THE END.


End file.
